What Happens in Vegas:The Book Smugglers
Jul
07
2009

Since I am in Las Vegas this week to get married, I asked a few people to write about the following topic:

What Happens in Vegas…
Pick one of your favorite characters (or a group of your favorite characters). Describe what kind of trouble they would get into if they spent one week in Las Vegas.

In return, Thea and Ana of one of my favorite blogs, The Book Smugglers, wrote this hilarious story about what would happen if Edward Cullen from Twilight was sent to Vegas to undergo some behavior modification treatment under the tutelage of five literary leading men (Rhett Butler, James Bond, Batman, Sirius Black, and Dracula). I’d advise not drinking anything while reading this unless you want to clean up a sprayed liquid mess…

The Education of Edward Cullen

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Edward Cullen is a pansy. We know it, you know it, everyone over the age of twelve knows it. As a vampire, he sucks (actually, he doesn’t. He only drinks blood from animals). As a man, he subscribes to the ‘Stalk-Them-Until-They-Can’t-Say-No’ school of wooing. In fact, he is such a creepy little wuss that even literary characters have no respect for the guy. With no hope in sight for the Emo-est vampire in existence, a small but prestigious organization decided to intervene.

This is the story of Edward Cullen as he is taken under the tutelage of…The Five.

Headed by Rhett Butler, the group is formed by some of literature’s most luminary leading men – Batman, Dracula, James Bond and Sirius Black. The Five’s mission? To take Edward Cullen under their wing and reshape the twat into a True Hero (or at least something a little less twatty). The best place to carry on the mission? Las Vegas, baby (of course).

And here is an exclusive account, day by day of what happened when Butler’s Five took Edward Cullen to Las Vegas.

This is the Education of Edward Cullen.

Day One – Lessons on Smooth Behavior: Final Assessment by James Bond (Agent 007)

I met the student today and wasn’t terribly impressed. Edward seems to be a nice chap but without any signs of sophistication. It is unbelievable that he has been around for almost a century and all that he can do is to pout and stare.

After I managed to get him into a bearable outfit (with the help of Mr Armani), we hit the bar at The Venetian. As a test, I told him to order a drink and he asked for Pina Coladas – The bartender could only stare in disbelief as I proceeded to explain the difference between a pina colada and a Vodka Martini, the drink of a real man. The strangest thing is that Edward doesn’t even drink anything, so the beverages were entirely for show. And he chose to be debonair with a pina colada. It was then and there that I knew I was in for a true challenge.

After our short lesson at the bar, we moved to the Casino where I tried my best to teach Edward on how to approach a woman without burning his stare through her face. It is all about a smooth approach and innuendos. It all went down the drain from the there, as he insisted that The Stare Till She Say Yes is the best and logical approach. It is no wonder that he is still a virgin. Most of the lovely ladies moved away from us and as the last one he made a move on, threw her drink at his face shouting “weirdo” I decided to call it a day.

I believe it is a lost cause.

I can only hope that Sirius Black will have a better day tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I should contact M. and tell her that I need a new pen-knife since I lost mine when Edward thought I was carrying a stake in my pocket and threw it away.

Day 2 – Lessons on Being Friends with Werewolves: Excerpt from Rita Skeeter’s ‘Daily Prophet’ interview with Sirius Black & Remus Lupin

“…after winning the Quidditch World Cup. In other news, wizard heroes exonerated for their part against He Who Shall Not Be Named (too easily let off the hook, in this reporter’s estimation) Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are back from an exotic trip overseas to muggle-paradise Las Vegas.

In an exclusive interview with yours truly, investigative genius and reporter extraordinaire, Sirius and Lupin revealed their intentions behind travelling to that cesspool of corruption!

“It was all because of a strange vampire boy from a small muggle town. Rhett [reporter’s note: None other than the delectable muggle hero, Rhett Buter] contacted me with the irresistible offer to promote werewolf awareness and improve relationships towards those afflicted with lycanthropy. Apparently this vampire boy had taken issue with the local wolf pack to the point of true danger. Naturally, Remus and I could not refuse and seized the opportunity to talk some sense into the poor lad.” Sirius’s eyes clouded over as he recalled the times he and his cherished friend Remus suffered as boys at Hogwarts, running free on nights of the full moon.

Remus added, “It was all for naught, unfortunately. We tried to talk to Edward about stepping out of his comfort zone and to see werewolves as people first, suffering from a horrible affliction. It’s something Edward of all people should have understood, tortured self-loathing vampire as he is – -”

At this, Sirius Black muttered with a look of pure menace on his furrowed brow, “You mean twat, is what he is.”

Remus then replied, “Now, Sirius, that’s not fair. Lycanthrope relations are strained even in our world, and some of that prejudice is understandable.”

Waving a hand dismissively, the angered Black continued, “That may be so, Remus, but Edward was impossible. I had half a mind to fix him with a nasty spell. In any case, we both realized that Edward’s fixation – especially with some poor young wolf, James? Jacob, was it? – was never going to change. So we enjoyed a so called magic show with two blokes in white glitter, had a good laugh, and apparated back here.”

So there you have it. Remember you heard it here, from Rita Skeeter, first. In the next column I discuss baby names for the next possible child from scarred hero, Harry Potter…”

Day 3 – Vampirism 101 with Dracula: the Count’s account to Rhett Butter as overheard by a passerby in a Bellagio bar

“The pupil and I met after dark at the roof top of the Bellagio. As we looked down at the people walking the Strip I felt the overwhelming urge to go hunting but alas, the Mission took precedent, as you know. As the First and Most Prominent Vampire, I took upon myself to turn this sorry excuse of a vampire into a Real Vampyr. The first part of the lesson was the most important one. Vampires drink blood to stay alive – from humans. Females, preferably. It is cause for much grievance amongst us, vampires that this Cullen family has spread false rumours that vampirism is a disease and that sucking blood from animals is an honourable form of living. Trying to explain about Power and the three rules of sucking blood (Dazzle then, Suckle them, Leave them) proved to be a complete waste of time. I proceeded to talk about shape shifting and how to amass power from nature – how a true vampire can control the weather and the animals and even shift into a bat or a wolf and that running in the forest and playing baseball with your pals are not all that he can do with his awesome powers.

He looked at me completely disgusted as though the mere idea of all this power disturbed him. Youth, these days – it is complete beyond me how we vampires, have been de-fanged by literature. It makes me sad and I wished at that moment, to go back home and spend some time with my beloved Three. Still, one last lesson needed to be taught but when I mentioned how Earth from his homeland needed to be used in order to secure his survival as he slept through the day, he only gasped in horror and said something about how it was during the day that he sparkled the best.

I quit right there and then and flew down to feed and play a strange variation of poker. I know not what happened to Edward after I left but I have no wish to set my eyes upon him again. ”

Day 4 – Lessons on how to Brood Without Being a Bitch: Video Testimonial from Bruce Wayne/Batman

BRUCE/BATMAN TO CAMERA: Edward Cullen. What a nightmare. Rhett called me with an intriguing prospect. Apparently this kid had some angst issues. Immortal, no human ties, etc ad nauseam. Normally I’d pass on Rhett’s offer, but he said that the kid’s use of the brooding anti-hero shtick was giving folks like me a bad name.

With that in mind, I fired up the batmobile and made a trip to Vegas. I also had some intel on the Riddler running a scam through Circus Circus, so I’d be killing two Edwards with one stone, so to speak. I set forward to meet Edward at the Mandalay Bay, where I found a reluctant boy with ridiculous hair glaring at everyone that walked by. I think he was wearing lipstick. I’m not sure.

I told the kid to walk with me. Took him to the Aquarium for symbolic measure. Sharks in their natural habitat. I told the kid that he, like the sharks in the tank, was a natural predator. Appeal is already on his side with the dangerous aura that our brand of hero share, so there isn’t any need to make ourselves stick out any more than we already do. I explained to him the virtues of blending in and of hiding in plain sight. But he was having none of it. Had the distinct impression that my words were falling on willfully deaf ears.

I also tried to talk to him about childhood trauma and how lucky he is to have a family that truly cares for him. By this point, I knew there was no way to get through to the kid. He seemed more interested in studying his reflection in the aquarium glass than actually listening to any of my advice. At that point I was interrupted with a call about Edward – I mean Edward Nigma – moving out through the Circus Circus casino causing general mayhem. I decided to leave the preening peacock to his brooding so that I could take care of business. And that’s the last I heard of him.

Day 5 – In which Edward and Rhett Butler have a one-to-one on How to Seduce a Woman

*excerpt from Butler’s journal*

“..and then I asked him how he usually approached a woman, to which he replied that he didn’t. He usually stays very still, lips pouting, eyes glistening, intensely staring at the young ladies until they come to HIM. I then asked what next, and he says he would play the “I can’t be with you, I am too dangerous” card. He seems to think that playing hard to get is the best attack, when coupled with the Stalk and Stare of course.

I explained that this is not how a woman likes to be courted.

He then interrupted me to say something about a woman called Bella which seems to think he is the Real Deal. I told him to forget about this Bella- he is 200 years old, she is 17. End of story. Plus, I know how it is to be obsessed with a singular woman. Been there, done that. And stalking really doesn’t work out too well.

He seems not to have the faintest idea on how to engage in Witty Banter either. He is far too serious and brooding and doesn’t seem to understand that a crooked smile goes a long way. Still, I tried to instil some levity in him, but that didn’t work either. Later on, I tried my best to teach how to read people so that we could hit the casinos and play a couple of hands but his need to behave like a creep is ingrained.

Nevertheless, I’m a sucker for lost causes once they are really and truly lost. I’ll keep at it with Edward for as long as it takes. As for Scarlett, well, she seems to be enjoying herself at the Orleans…”

Epilogue

After the week with The Five, Edward Cullen was never seen again. Rumours say he tried to out-sparkle the Disco Ball in Studio 54 at the MGM Grand, but the exertion was too much and he exploded, covering surprised and delighted clubgoers in a brilliant shower of glitter. Others say that he “disappeared” the same way that Holden Caulfield and Werther (the two previous pupils that The Five unsuccessfully attempted to educate) did.

The Five were dismantled after that week. They realised that the old adage, “Once a pansy, always a pansy” was in fact true. Batman proceeded to fight crime. Sirius Black continues to fight for Lycanthrope Tolerance with dear friend Remus Lupin. Dracula went back to Transylvania. James Bond remained in Vegas playing the casinos and the ladies.

It is said that Rhett Butler found out that Scarlet O’Hara was looking for a new husband as she conned her way through the casinos, and that he took her up on her offer and they got married again in the Chapel of Love on the same day that Kristen married her fiancée! According to local reports, the four of them went out celebrating together in what has been described as “the wildest night Sin City has even seen.” And that, dear friends, is the happiest ending anyone could have asked for.

Fin.


Thanks for the story, Ana and Thea! I nearly died when I read this. The end was especially fitting because I bought my nail polish for the wedding about 2 hours before I received this in my email. The name of the nail polish? Frankly Scarlet.

Tomorrow there will be another edition of What Happens in Vegas by Seanan McGuire, author of the forthcoming novel Rosemary and Rue.

First Half of 2009
Jul
01
2009

The first half of 2009 is officially over so I’ve been thinking about my favorite books read so far. So far this year I’ve read 28 books and reviewed 27 (all of them except for Last Argument of Kings, which I may just skip other than putting up a few thoughts since it’s been pretty thoroughly covered on other blogs and I haven’t had much time lately).

Here are my top 10 so far regardless of publication date:

1. The Last Hawk by Catherine Asaro
2. Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey
3.Watchmen by Alan Moore
4. Corambis by Sarah Monette
5. Iron Kissed by Patricia Briggs (along with the other 2 books in the Mercy Thompson series)
6. Kings and Assassins by Lane Robins
7. Feast of Souls by C.S. Friedman
8. The Oracle Lips by Storm Constantine
9. Dreamdark: Blackbringer by Laini Taylor
10. Blue Diablo by Ann Aguirre

This year I’ve read a lot of books I’ve really enjoyed reading but very few that I really loved and kept thinking about after I was done. The top 5 on this list are easily the cream of the crop of what I’ve read this year (even if I didn’t like Corambis quite as much as the other books in the series it was still excellent and better than most of what I read this year).

What are your top reads of the year so far?

Review of The Silver Metal Lover
Jun
28
2009

The Silver Metal Lover
by Tanith Lee
304pp (Paperback)
My Rating: 7/10
Amazon Rating: 4.5/5
LibraryThing Rating: 4.27/5
Goodreads Rating: 4.51/5

The Silver Metal Lover by the prolific Tanith Lee was originally published in 1981. It has one sequel, Metallic Love, published about 24 years after the first book. The Silver Metal Lover stands alone well as a complete story, and Metallic Love, which focuses on a different set of characters, actually takes place twelve years after this one. From what I have heard, the second book is not nearly as good as its predecessor, but not having actually read it, I can’t supply my own opinion on the matter. The basic premise of the story is a girl falls in love with a robot but The Silver Metal Lover is much more than that – both a bittersweet romantic tale and a coming of age story told from the perspective of sixteen year old Jane.

Jane is a wealthy teenage girl who has never had to think for herself: she’s perfectly happy to adopt her mother’s opinions as her own. She’s rarely had to make decisions on her own since everything from her ideal hair color to the perfect weight for her body type have been made for her and are regulated through treatments and pills. Her life consists of keeping up with the latest dramas of her “friends” (most of whom she admits she doesn’t even actually like) and pleasing her mother until she hears a singer on the street. When she sees his face, Jane thinks he is beautiful. However, he is not a man but S.I.L.V.E.R., one of the newest creations of Electronic Metals, Ltd., a manufacturer of robots who have a new line of machines that appear to be very human.

As much as Jane tries to forget about this robot, she keeps encountering him and eventually comes to the realization that she is in love with a machine. Although she is rich, Jane does have a monthly cap on her allowance to teach her responsibility and does not have enough money to buy Silver. Her friend Clovis concocts a plan to help Jane get what she wants from their friend Egyptia, who has rented Silver, but this time with the robot is fleeting. In desperation, Jane sells all her possessions and gives up her life of luxury in order to possess her one true love – and in the process, she grows up and learns a lot about herself.


The entire novel is a diary kept by Jane as she tries to resolve her personal issues with her love for the robot Silver and the likelihood of her mother’s disapproval. In the beginning, Jane is exceptionally melodramatic and cries… A LOT. The first time she saw Silver, she cried. When he came over and talked to her, she started crying again. After that, she went to her friend Clovis’s house where she broke down and wept some more. She is also not particularly independent and finds it comforting that her mother is opinionated so she does not have to be. Jane’s identity is very closely tied to her mother in the early part of the novel, as she barely has a thought that is not followed by her pondering what her mother would say about it. These traits do indeed make her somewhat annoying to start with, but she is not a stagnant character. Once Jane begins to realize the truth about herself, she makes a confession to Silver:

“I’m very stupid,” I said, “and very selfish. That’s because I’m rich and I don’t know much about real life. And I’ve been sheltered. And I have a lot of faults.”

This was a real turning point for Jane. Not only does she come to realize some of her flaws, but from this point on, she does grow a lot as a character and becomes much more likable (and less weepy, fortunately).

Throughout the novel both Jane and Silver change as they both become less and less victims of the ways they are supposed to function. Jane loves Silver even though he claims to be a mere machine that is incapable of emotion, a commodity that has been created and programmed to please any human being he is interacting with. Yet mainly because of Silver, Jane discovers who she really is underneath all the ways she personally has been programmed throughout her entire life. Likewise, Silver learns that he is not exactly what he has always believed due to his relationship with Jane.

Lee’s prose is beautifully poignant without being terribly dense, a combination I rarely see. The Silver Metal Lover is a fairly short, easy read, but there are some nicely written moments, such as Jane’s revelation that she is in love with Silver as he walks away from her:

And there was only him. Everything else became a backdrop, and then it went away altogether. And he went away and nothing came back to replace him.

I’ve written this down on paper because I just couldn’t say it aloud to the tape. Tomorrow, my mother will ask what I wanted to discuss with her. But this isn’t for my mother. It’s for some stranger – for you, whoever you are – someone who’ll never read it. Because that’s the only way I could say any of it. I can’t tell Demeta, can I?

He’s a machine, and I’m in love with him.

He’s with Egyptia, and I’m in love with him.

He’s been packed up in a crate, and I’m in love with him.

Mother, I’m in love with a robot…

It is true that Jane is a bit extremely dramatic sometimes, especially earlier in the book, but I think it’s perfectly fitting and believable for the diary of a teenage girl.

Although this story is touching and sweet at times, it is not all happy. Readers who enjoy neatly tied up happy endings will want to avoid this book. The ending did fail to affect me as much as I really felt it should have, but I think that is because Jane wrote about it after the fact so I had an idea of what was coming from how she opened that section.

Overall, I found this novel very readable and flew through it, but I also felt like it was missing something, partially because it failed to truly sadden me the way I thought it should have. That may have just been because I’ve found I don’t seem to get as emotionally involved in reading a story as I used to (or maybe I just haven’t been reading about the types of characters that I can really sympathize with lately). Once I put it down, I didn’t find myself thinking about it at all until I reread parts of it for writing this review. I actually appreciated it a lot more when I reread parts of it than I did while I was reading it and immediately afterward.

The Silver Metal Lover is a lovely story about love and growing up. As the journal of a sixteen year old in the process of learning about the world, it can be rather full of angst, but Jane does learn about herself and become wiser about herself and the world as she writes about her life and thoughts.

7/10

Goodreads Q&A with Neil Gaiman
Jun
20
2009

Earlier today I saw that Goodreads just had a Q&A with Neil Gaiman. For an hour, Gaiman stopped by and answered questions fans put up on Goodreads. It was a lot of fun to read through and I wish I’d known about it beforehand to stop by.

I’m hoping to get a review up this weekend of either The Silver Metal Lover or Last Argument of Kings; I haven’t had much time to read or review and probably won’t have as much time until the middle of July. Unfortunately, I’m finding it really difficult to read In the Night Garden when I don’t have much time for reading. It’s not that it’s a bad book because it’s not at all; it’s just one where reading a few pages at a time doesn’t work very well – and that’s exactly what I’ve ended up doing, just reading 10 pages or so before bedtime.

Shared Worlds: Real Life Fantasy/Science Fiction Cities
Jun
18
2009

Shared Worlds sounds very interesting and is (almost) making me wish I were a high school student again so I could benefit from it. Basically, some students have a two week camp where they collaborate to develop a world and develop stories, games, and art based in it. That sounds like a great experience and a lot of fun!

This year World Fantasy Award winner Jeff VanderMeer is participating and asked fellow speculative fiction authors Elizabeth Hand, Nalo Hopkinson, Ursula K. LeGuin, China Mieville, and Michael Moorcock the following question: “What’s your top pick for the top real-life fantasy or science fiction city?” To see which cities they picked and why, read the interview.

Which cities would you pick? I haven’t been to any of the cities mentioned but I rather liked Elizabeth Hand’s answer (and I never realized she was from my home state until I read her bio with it). Maybe after next month I’ll decide Las Vegas qualifies… I’ll just have to wait and see!

Book Recommendations
Jun
15
2009

I’m looking for fast-paced books that suck you in, keep you absorbed, and aren’t difficult to get back into if you happen to get interrupted – basically, the type of book you would want to read on a long drive or flight (more specifically, the type I would want to read on an 8 hour flight to or from Las Vegas). Any suggestions?